When I finished my last expedition I felt broken. I pushed past my limits and felt mentally and physically exhausted.
I was in so much pain – physically from my neck and calf injury. Neck pain started week one from pulling a heavy sled and looking down at my compass. Calf injury (the scar I have on my L calf named Elsa) started a few weeks in. The calf was painful but the neck was even worse. I was rationing my pain relief throughout the exped and only had one tablet (codeine) left for the last 14 days. I kept the tablet in my top left pocket.
I remember sections of the last week so vividly. I remember falling around 14 x every 2 hours. I remember just staying down on the floor for a few seconds before attempting to get back up again. I remember using my ski poles to lift my head up – my neck was flexed due to pain lifting it.
I remember being told I was out of time (end of season and last passenger flight out of Antarctica with ALE) and feeling distraught. And then to keep going when you’re not going to make your goal.
I remember seeing the plane. This dot in the distance that wasn’t white. I wished it was the plane but couldn’t see well in the low cloud. When the cloud cleared, I could see the dot. It took me so long to get to it, it still took me over 6 hours to get there. I can’t even tell you how slow I was moving at this point.
I remember seeing Rob Smith (ALE guide and overall Badass), crying my eyes out and just repeating “it was so hard.” I don’t know how many times I said it. I felt like I was trying to justify why I hadn’t made the end.
I didn’t make it. But I’m so glad I pushed. I’m so glad I went through the darkness of the last trip, I’m glad I kept going. It took me over 6 months to feel like myself again… but I came back stronger 🙏🏽
I honestly believe I would never have gotten my recent speed record without going through the last exped.
There is so much to say about that big exped, parts I think I’m still processing. This was the solo, unsupported 70 day expedition that I finished in Jan 2023.
📸 Photo taken by @robert_kelso_smith at the end of my 70 day exped as I’m approaching my pick up point.
